Over the years, I’ve heard lots of people talk about how to go about finding the right partner. One of the most common suggestions is to write a list of what you want in a partner and then you’ll find that person.
I think that’s helpful to an extent. However, if your list is super specific, you risk missing out on someone who could be amazing for you. I know one woman whose list is literally 47 items long and includes things such as what kind of music the person prefers. She’s still single.
It’s good to know your absolutes, if you have them. For me, I know I couldn’t be with an addict/alcoholic, even in recovery. It’s because of ME, not them. They can be healthy but I’m going to connect with their sickness and it’s going to get ugly. I won’t do that to myself. (Or to them.) I also know that I couldn’t be with a racist. I’ve learned that if my family and friends don’t like a person, then I should listen. If they don’t like my dogs, then sayonara, toots.
What changed my mind about having a list, though, was meeting my Cowboy. She is so many things that I would have never even known to put on a list!
I didn’t know that it would be so important to have someone who handles conflict similarly. I didn’t know that it would be so wonderful to be in a relationship with someone who likes the same things as I do – or at least a number of them. She’ll go to random open houses with me! (Real estate ones, not graduation parties!) At the same time, we can be happily in the room doing our own separate activities. So peaceful. I didn’t know that what I needed for a stable relationship was peacefulness and gentleness. Uncertainty isn’t appealing to me anymore.
Write a list. Be sure what you put on it is important and not minutiae. Keep yourself open for things you might not have known you wanted. You never know. You just might find the love of your life.
It’s been a while since I’ve written anything more than a Facebook update. Lots of things going on, lots of changes in Fairyland with more to come.
I’ve been thinking about what I want to write about. I can’t write about everything really. I’ve also decided to retire the Butch Swoon List. I know some of y’all love it but it just didn’t feel right to me anymore. I’m happy for any of my fellow femme bloggers to take up the BSL. I think maybe Vulnerable Verbiage ought to do it!
I’m going to focus on my Lesbian Life Lessons and the occasional recipe or household hint. I can’t resist them!
Real Life is sort of nuts right now so I may not blog regularly for a bit but I will. I’m also going to start a new blog in coming months that’s all about my Pinterest experiments.
Stick around, pumpkins! I’ll be around.
I came out 26 years ago. I’ve said that before, so I’m dating myself. Over the years, people have said ugly things to and about women like me. You’ve probably heard or read similar things yourself. You may have even said some of them yourself.
What kind of things?
I do not understand why you like women who look like men.
I don’t know why you have to dress like that. (to the butches)
How can you expect straight people to give us our civil rights if you keep going around looking/acting like that?
Don’t you know you’re hurting the Gay Rights Movement by not being more “normal”?
How can you do this to us? You make people uncomfortable.
I (usually) refrain from telling people to fuck off but I’ll tell you, it’s hard. Especially when the person I’m hearing this stuff from is supposed to be a friend. But cussing people out isn’t helpful and it doesn’t get anyone anywhere.
Yesterday, I sort of lost my temper – on Facebook of all places – about this very thing. I get tired of people feeling that they have the right to judge me and lecture me. Not just me, but any of us. I tend to stand up for us, even if the comment or judgement wasn’t directed at me personally. Not everyone appreciates it. If I’m honest, I’d say most people don’t. They think I should just shut up and keep the peace and not ruffle any feathers.
I can’t do that.
The thing is, behind anger, frequently is another emotion. Not always. Sometimes anger is just anger but sometimes … it’s hurt. It’s hurtful for My People to dismiss me, to act like I don’t belong in their world, to judge me, to expect that in order for me to be a Good Lesbian, I have to be one on their terms.
I can’t do that, either.
So when you see someone go off on a rant, before you dismiss them as irrational or “too sensitive” or whatever, ask yourself if you were respectful in your interaction with them. Ask yourself if you were judgmental. Truly ask yourself – and think about it. Because if you said anything about labels, you probably weren’t respectful. If you used any euphemism for label, you were not respectful. Saying something like “no disrespect intended” means you know full well that you are being disrespectful.
It’s bad enough that the heterosexual majority acts like this to us. It’s shameful that we do it to others who don’t live life as WE think they should. One of the best parts of being a lesbian is that there is no one right way to do it. You do it your way and I’ll do it mine.
So, pumpkins, let’s be kinder to one another, okay?
We had friends come to visit our city for New Year’s Eve. We all got tattoos! The 4 butches got a blue star on their left wrist and 3 of the 4 femmes got the tattoo like mine. The other two femmes who got tattoos also got words: one got “exhale” and one got “pray.” I opted against the word. Mostly because OUCH. They say tattoos are addictive but … I’m pretty certain that is my first and last tattoo. I really like it but I don’t need another one.
Here are the femmes:
and here are the butches:
Why blue stars, you ask? Back in the day, when it wasn’t safe to be out, butches would get a blue star on their wrist in a place where it could be covered, if they needed it. It was an early rainbow symbol or pink triangle. I haven’t found anything that said that femmes wore them (anyone out there know something about this?) so my friends and I decided to get smaller stars and a cluster of them. We chose five randomly, which works out given my obsession with all things that are divisible by five.
Do you have tattoos? Tell me about them!
For those of you who don’t speak Spanish “Papi Chulo” roughly translated means, “Hot butch” which our Papi Chulo definitely IS.
Now don’t get this confused with Cholo which – in polite terms – means gangster. Papi Chulo is no gangster! She’s all about art and music. She loves an art exhibit, live music (jazz and blues being particular favorites) and creating art. Papi Chulo is a painter. She says she’d paint full time if it would keep her fed.
Papi Chulo is sweet and funny and larger than life. You’re gonna want to see her! Get your tickets to Butchlesque today! Buy your tickets now! Cowboy and I will be there and we’d love to meet you! If you DO go be sure to find us and say hello! You won’t be able to miss us as Cowboy is 6’2 so she is very spottable!
When asked “Are you a lover or a fighter?” The Aviator had a FABULOUS answer. “Definitely a lover and love is worth the fight.”
The Aviator says that being an x-ray tech, her best work is done in the dark. She isn’t just a funny butch, though. Aviator also started a foundation whose mission is to help people with ALS stay in their homes. She is not only funny and works to help others, she’s an artist. She once wanted to be a Disney artist but things didn’t work out that way for her. She keeps her artistic eye in tune as an amateur photographer.
Don’t you want to join the butches and femmes from all over the country coming to see Butchlesque? Get your tickets to Butchlesque today! Buy your tickets now! Cowboy and I will be there and we’d love to meet you! (I’m leaving the Hooligans at home, though!)