Over the years, I’ve heard lots of people talk about how to go about finding the right partner. One of the most common suggestions is to write a list of what you want in a partner and then you’ll find that person.
I think that’s helpful to an extent. However, if your list is super specific, you risk missing out on someone who could be amazing for you. I know one woman whose list is literally 47 items long and includes things such as what kind of music the person prefers. She’s still single.
It’s good to know your absolutes, if you have them. For me, I know I couldn’t be with an addict/alcoholic, even in recovery. It’s because of ME, not them. They can be healthy but I’m going to connect with their sickness and it’s going to get ugly. I won’t do that to myself. (Or to them.) I also know that I couldn’t be with a racist. I’ve learned that if my family and friends don’t like a person, then I should listen. If they don’t like my dogs, then sayonara, toots.
What changed my mind about having a list, though, was meeting my Cowboy. She is so many things that I would have never even known to put on a list!
I didn’t know that it would be so important to have someone who handles conflict similarly. I didn’t know that it would be so wonderful to be in a relationship with someone who likes the same things as I do – or at least a number of them. She’ll go to random open houses with me! (Real estate ones, not graduation parties!) At the same time, we can be happily in the room doing our own separate activities. So peaceful. I didn’t know that what I needed for a stable relationship was peacefulness and gentleness. Uncertainty isn’t appealing to me anymore.
Write a list. Be sure what you put on it is important and not minutiae. Keep yourself open for things you might not have known you wanted. You never know. You just might find the love of your life.
It’s been a while since I’ve written anything more than a Facebook update. Lots of things going on, lots of changes in Fairyland with more to come.
I’ve been thinking about what I want to write about. I can’t write about everything really. I’ve also decided to retire the Butch Swoon List. I know some of y’all love it but it just didn’t feel right to me anymore. I’m happy for any of my fellow femme bloggers to take up the BSL. I think maybe Vulnerable Verbiage ought to do it!
I’m going to focus on my Lesbian Life Lessons and the occasional recipe or household hint. I can’t resist them!
Real Life is sort of nuts right now so I may not blog regularly for a bit but I will. I’m also going to start a new blog in coming months that’s all about my Pinterest experiments.
Stick around, pumpkins! I’ll be around.
I came out 26 years ago. I’ve said that before, so I’m dating myself. Over the years, people have said ugly things to and about women like me. You’ve probably heard or read similar things yourself. You may have even said some of them yourself.
What kind of things?
I do not understand why you like women who look like men.
I don’t know why you have to dress like that. (to the butches)
How can you expect straight people to give us our civil rights if you keep going around looking/acting like that?
Don’t you know you’re hurting the Gay Rights Movement by not being more “normal”?
How can you do this to us? You make people uncomfortable.
I (usually) refrain from telling people to fuck off but I’ll tell you, it’s hard. Especially when the person I’m hearing this stuff from is supposed to be a friend. But cussing people out isn’t helpful and it doesn’t get anyone anywhere.
Yesterday, I sort of lost my temper – on Facebook of all places – about this very thing. I get tired of people feeling that they have the right to judge me and lecture me. Not just me, but any of us. I tend to stand up for us, even if the comment or judgement wasn’t directed at me personally. Not everyone appreciates it. If I’m honest, I’d say most people don’t. They think I should just shut up and keep the peace and not ruffle any feathers.
I can’t do that.
The thing is, behind anger, frequently is another emotion. Not always. Sometimes anger is just anger but sometimes … it’s hurt. It’s hurtful for My People to dismiss me, to act like I don’t belong in their world, to judge me, to expect that in order for me to be a Good Lesbian, I have to be one on their terms.
I can’t do that, either.
So when you see someone go off on a rant, before you dismiss them as irrational or “too sensitive” or whatever, ask yourself if you were respectful in your interaction with them. Ask yourself if you were judgmental. Truly ask yourself – and think about it. Because if you said anything about labels, you probably weren’t respectful. If you used any euphemism for label, you were not respectful. Saying something like “no disrespect intended” means you know full well that you are being disrespectful.
It’s bad enough that the heterosexual majority acts like this to us. It’s shameful that we do it to others who don’t live life as WE think they should. One of the best parts of being a lesbian is that there is no one right way to do it. You do it your way and I’ll do it mine.
So, pumpkins, let’s be kinder to one another, okay?
We had friends come to visit our city for New Year’s Eve. We all got tattoos! The 4 butches got a blue star on their left wrist and 3 of the 4 femmes got the tattoo like mine. The other two femmes who got tattoos also got words: one got “exhale” and one got “pray.” I opted against the word. Mostly because OUCH. They say tattoos are addictive but … I’m pretty certain that is my first and last tattoo. I really like it but I don’t need another one.
Here are the femmes:
and here are the butches:
Why blue stars, you ask? Back in the day, when it wasn’t safe to be out, butches would get a blue star on their wrist in a place where it could be covered, if they needed it. It was an early rainbow symbol or pink triangle. I haven’t found anything that said that femmes wore them (anyone out there know something about this?) so my friends and I decided to get smaller stars and a cluster of them. We chose five randomly, which works out given my obsession with all things that are divisible by five.
Do you have tattoos? Tell me about them!
Thanksgiving is a weird holiday for me. It’s both my favorite holiday and I’m native American.
When one of my exes and I lived on the reservation, we heard a lot of talk about how Thanksgiving was the beginnings of genocide and colonialism. The first Thanksgiving was nothing more than a harvest festival shared by natives and the colonists. They each introduced new ideas to the other, which is always a Good Thing. Europeans do not have a corner on the market for harvest festivals. Cultures around the globe have thanked God for their bountiful harvests for as long as people have worshiped a deity.
Thanksgiving didn’t become a regular occurrence until about 1660 and it didn’t become a national holiday until 1863. Before then, it was celebrated at various times. There isn’t even consensus on WHEN the first Thanksgiving actually was. Some say it wasn’t the one in Massachusetts but one held earlier by the Spanish.
If we want to rail against the beginnings of genocide, we should choose a different date. Columbus Day seems like a good choice to me. It was Columbus’ introduction of Europeans to America that started the whole thing.
I believe colonization was inevitable. Natives weren’t all the warring people you see on television. Sure, some nations were violent. Many were not. None of them had the weapons the Europeans had or the number of men. The nations weren’t all a united front any more than Europe is a united front. People say they were savages but all they really were was Not Christian. To anyone who wants to say things like “Well, but they scalped people!” I say, “and the French beheaded people. Have you heard of the Spanish Inquisition? The Crusades?” All savage practices.
Thanksgiving isn’t about colonialism or genocide. It’s about being thankful for the blessings we have received throughout the year. It’s about being grateful for all the we have been given, that we have earned, that we have received. As a country, I believe Americans are short on gratitude. We are so focused on what we don’t have that we forget what we DO have.
Like many of you, I forget to be grateful on a daily basis. I remember more often than once a year, but I love the idea of a holiday that focuses on gratitude, on family and on food. I love the holiday whether I spend it with Cowboy’s family, my family of origin, with friends or by ourselves. I spend the day thinking about all the things for which I have to be grateful.
I am so grateful for my sweet Cowboy. I had no idea that relationships like ours existed in real life. I thought this was just something a person read about in romance novels but it’s real.
I’m also grateful for every last one of my exes. No matter what happened between us, those relationships taught me something about myself that helped make this one possible. I am not the person with Cowboy as I was with any of the my exes but it is thanks to those experiences that I AM the partner I am today.
I’m grateful for the experience of packing up and moving 1300 miles away. It was so hard to leave my family and, a year and a few months later, it’s still hard not to have my niece or nephew be able to drop by after school or to go have dinner with my sister. At the same time, it’s freeing to be in a new place where no one has any preconceived ideas about who you are. Who you are is the person they are meeting now, not the one you used to be 20 years ago but no one who knew That Person can forget.
I’m thankful for my friends. I have some wonderful people in my life and you make it so much better. I’ll be eternally thankful to my high school best friend who showed me what it really means to be a friend. I’m thankful for my friend Mel who, even though we only talk about once a year, is always loving and forthright. That’s a hard combination, right there. I’m thankful for my new friend HippieGrrl who has welcomed me into her life so readily.
I’m thankful for all of you who read this. I love my commenters (because y’all know I am always begging people to Just Comment HERE Already) but I ALSO love it when I meet one of you and you mention things that you’ve read.
Now that I’m done being emotional, I should also say I’m grateful for Waggin’ Tails Grooming because they keep the Hooligans from looking like nobody loves them. I’m thankful for dinner dates with Cowboy and dinner plans with friends, I’m thankful for all of our Sunday morning going-out-to-breakfasts and I’m thankful for online calorie counter websites to help me keep track of what I’m eating so I don’t totally go berserk.
I have a lot to be thankful for, pumpkins. Don’t you? What are YOU thankful for? Leave me a comment and let me know!
PS If you like the picture at the top of this page, you can download a pdf of it. It won’t have the border or the blog URL but you can print it whatever size you want.
I got my 2nd Birchbox in the mail! I’m pretty thrilled with Birchbox. Can you tell?
I loved the face wash in last month’s so much I gave up the washing with oil – and I had been doing that for A WHILE – and bought the full size version. I love it!
This month I got:
tea. Birchbox does “life style” samples and why they gave me tea, I don’t know. I don’t drink tea but Cowboy does sometimes, so those are now in the Tea Tupperware waiting for someone to want tea.
Laura Mercier lipgloss. This is a pretty nude and I’ve worn it a couple of times. It doesn’t last that long but no lip gloss really does.
Vasanti Brighten Up Enzymatic Face Rjuvenator. Okay, the name is ridiculous but I guess it’s supposed to make you look younger or something. We’ll see.
Eyeko Black Magic Mascara. I was hoping for mascara sample because mascara is crazy expensive and even if I wear it every day, which I don’t because I’m a Beauty Slacker, I wouldn’t use up a whole tube in the 90 days mascara is supposedly safe once opened. This little package is a great size! It’s nice enough but I have long lashes, what I need is thickener and this doesn’t do that. Still, smells nice, goes on well and doesn’t clump. No one needs Tammy Faye Baker lashes. I probably won’t buy this one but this brand has a thickening mascara and I might try that one, if I don’t get another mascara sample in the next couple of months.
Tiossan Body Cream. I’m surprisingly not a big fan of scented body creams. I use coconut oil when I need to lotion up – which other than my face, feet and hands isn’t that much. My skin stays soft and smooth on its own. I liked this, though, cause it’s called “Femme.” However it smells more like Little Old Lady than Hot Sexy Femme. Can’t win ‘em all!
Do you want to get your OWN birchbox? I think you should! It’s $10 a month and if you like to try out new things, this is a cost-effective way to do it! Click this link to go get your own! (Full disclosure: if you sign up using that link, I get 50 Birchbox points to use towards buying products. I think that 50 points = about $5.)
By now, y’all oughta know that I’m a big fan of One Good Thing by Jillee. Today’s post is courtesy of her.
I remember when I was new to cooking, I didn’t have all the measuring tools I needed. This would have been so handy! It can also help if you’re trying to adjust the recipe size. There are other times I’ve needed to know “how many pints in a quart” or some such thing and had to look it up. Which is a nuisance mid-recipe.
You can put it in a binder, if you keep one for recipes. You can tape it inside a cabinet door, you can hang it on the refrigerator. However, what I did was email it to myself, open it on my phone and take a screen shot. I usually have my phone in the kitchen with me, so that works for me.
What do you wonder about in the kitchen? Leave me a comment and tell me! Maybe I’ll be able to find a way to help you with it!